Jesus might love you, but this guy...?

Well, here's another one of those compassionate Christians on our highways who evidently doesn't give a single shit about you unless you believe exactly as (s)he does. The message here continues to infuriate me with its blithe, arrogant inhumanity. It mean, if you don't believe, then you can pass it off as a joke. But the thing is, this person really believes this.

Why do we have to share oxygen with these people? Couldn't we just line them all up and give them what they want — a speedy one-way ticket to Glory — and spare God the trouble of the Rapture and the rest of us the horror of all their vans, SUVs, and Hummers careening unguided all over our highways? After all, is that fate any worse than the one this asshole is promising you right here?

I'm being facetious, of course... but it does feel cathartic to say it.

I'm gonna pose the question though. If you're an evangelical Christian, and you believe this is literally true, then don't you owe it to the rest of us — yes, yes, yes, I know the rest of us are all damned, no matter how kind we've been, if we don't believe in the Proscribed Manner, but we're still human beings, after all — not to drive cars, or pilot planes, or operate construction equipment, or do anything at all that would fill the remaining moments of the rest of us with gratuitous horror and pain when you're summarily called "home" in the middle of executing these heavy responsibilities? God (as you conceive of Him) might be that big a jerk, but do you have to be? I think if you really do love other human beings as Jesus command you, then you owe it to the rest of us to walk, take the bus, and push broom for a living.

Don't you?

If you don't, then you really don't care about your fellow man, and you haven't been a true disciple of Christ, and therefore you ain't goin' nowhere when the Rapture comes... QED. Prove you love Jesus. Sell your car.

Another spin on population control, maybe?

SHANGHAI – In a move that surprised absolutely no one today, a Chinese court sentenced a drunken nightclub reveler to death for singing “My Bonnie” slightly off-key during a his turn in a karaoke session. Death sentences were also handed out to a man who picked his ear with his keys, a boy who fell down and cried, a woman wearing mismatching dress and shoes, and an entire village near the Russian border for having too many fat chicks, in defiance of The Great People’s No-Fat-Chicks Correctness Principle. The presiding judge then sentenced himself to death for sentencing so many people to death.

An observer to the proceedings wondered why so many of his countrymen were being executed for such trivialities when Chairman Mao, who was responsible for the lingering and needless deaths of millions upon millions of his own people as a result of his ill-advised, megalomaniacal, shit-headed conceits, lived to a ripe old age and is still regarded as a hero of China instead of an inhuman monster.

He was sentenced to death.