Brief musings

Another thing I've been mulling over lately is how much things have changed. I think I was at my happiest, or at least most content, somewhere around the cusp of 2010 and 2011. Work was really getting interesting; I liked my coworkers; and we'd moved into a new location I really loved. I was taking the subway to work, not driving, and doing a lot of reading... I felt very cosmopolitan. Larry was still subletting my spare room and so there was usually company; somebody I could just walk down the hall and rap with, pretty much anytime. He's always been good company and being there he cut my rent by about 40%, which let me pay off and cut up my credit card. There were the three cats, Bonnie, Max, and Twinkle, and while Twinkle had some issues, they were, at the time, all hale and hearty. Things were good.

Then Larry mooted he would probably be getting a place of his own, and I started all that plotting and planning to buy a place. This place. Where my little "family" disappeared before my eyes in the space of a year and a half, and where I've spent much of the past year just trying to land my next job. Most of what I had, the companionship, the security, the self-worth... so much of it has just evaporated. And as far as I can tell, I didn't do anything wrong. It was all just in the numbers.

I wish I could go back. Not to change anything; the cats were going to get old and die; one job tends to be just as secure or insecure as another... but to live in the moment. Enjoy those feelings again. I have this feeling that's the high water mark. It might get better, but it's never really going to be that good again.