Long shot by camera placed up in audience showing two men seated
on swivel chairs with a small table between them.
ANNOUNCER V.O.
Welcome to LEAD A HORTICULTURE.
Tonight's guest is U.S. State
Department representative Chuck
Galeforce. And now here's your host,
Fabian Fricative.
Welcome to LEAD A HORTICULTURE.
Tonight's guest is U.S. State
Department representative Chuck
Galeforce. And now here's your host,
Fabian Fricative.
Cut to stage-level view of Fricative, who is playing with a pencil
à la David Letterman.
FRICATIVE
Good evening, and welcome to LEAD A
HORTICULTURE. Tonight's guest—
ANNOUNCER V.O.
I just said that.
FRICATIVE
Oh, sorry. So, Mr. Galeforce,
you're here tonight to tell us your
department's views on relations
with Iran.
Good evening, and welcome to LEAD A
HORTICULTURE. Tonight's guest—
ANNOUNCER V.O.
I just said that.
FRICATIVE
Oh, sorry. So, Mr. Galeforce,
you're here tonight to tell us your
department's views on relations
with Iran.
Cut to wider view showing both men.
GALEFORCE
Yeah, we're probably going to bomb
them.
FRICATIVE
...That's it?
GALEFORCE
Pretty much, yeah.
FRICATIVE
Don't you think some attempt at
diplomacy ought to be tried first.
GALEFORCE
Tried it; didn't work.
FRICATIVE
When? When was it tried?
GALEFORCE
Mr. Fricative, you and every other
intelligent viewer knows that the
US has been trying for generations
to engage Iran in a dialog. And
we've been rebuffed every time.
FRICATIVE
Well, actually, we don't know
that. Iran has been diplomatically
isolated by the United States for
thirty years, and every indication
is the US refuses to sit down and
discuss matters with Iran unless Iran
agrees in advance to accede to the
US positions on those matters.
GALEFORCE
Well, yeah, of course. We're not
going to enter into discussions
with people who aren't going to
agree.
FRICATIVE
But don't discussions imply at
least the possibility of compromise
on both sides?
GALEFORCE
(chuckling)
Man, what planet are you living on?
FRICATIVE
One I hope not to see incinerated
out from under us all in the next
few years. But be that as it
may... what actually are the issues the
US has with Iran?
GALEFORCE
Weapons of mass destruction.
FRICATIVE
Specifically?
GALEFORCE
That we're the only ones allowed to
have them.
FRICATIVE
Allowed? By...?
GALEFORCE
Us! Who else?
FRICATIVE
So your position is to insist that
Iran is building nuclear weapons,
despite the fact that it has opened
its processes up to international inspection,
despite the fact that it has the
right under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation
Treaty to non-military use of
nuclear technology...?
GALEFORCE
That's all gobbledy-gook. Do you
want to see a mushroom cloud over
New York, or London?
FRICATIVE
Or Tehran?
GALEFORCE
That's different.
FRICATIVE
Mr. Galeforce, I think most people
remain unconvinced that Iran is out
to build nuclear weapons. But
given that its neighbour Israel is
permitted, if I may use the word,
to maintain something like 200 of
them itself, and given that the
United States has now repeatedly
suggested it may exercise
preemptive use of nuclear weapons
against Iran, could anyone blame them
if they did have such plans?
GALEFORCE
You're obsessing. I've responded
to this.
FRICATIVE
Fine. What other issues do you
have with Iran?
GALEFORCE
Democracy. There's a democratic
deficit in Iran. The place is run
by evil men who don't even let
women vote.
FRICATIVE
They do, in fact. Women do vote in
Iran.
GALEFORCE
No, they don't.
FRICATIVE
Yes, I'm afraid they do. On the
other hand, our erstwhile ally,
Saudi Arabia--
GALEFORCE
Leave Saudi Arabia out of this.
This isn't about Saudi Arabia.
FRICATIVE
But if we're claiming a "democratic
deficit" is an impetus to attack a
sovereign nation--
GALEFORCE
It always comes down to picking on
Saudi Arabia, doesn't it? Why are
you people so anti-Semitic?
FRICATIVE
Excuse me?
GALEFORCE
Look, does it really matter? We've
determined that Iran is evil, and
that's that.
FRICATIVE
It's just that I think most people
expect some sort of cogent,
compelling reason when they're
being asked to commit their
country, their economy, and the
lives of their young people to war.
GALEFORCE
A reason? Look, we're the United
States; we don't-- okay, fine.
Yeah, we're probably going to bomb
them.
FRICATIVE
...That's it?
GALEFORCE
Pretty much, yeah.
FRICATIVE
Don't you think some attempt at
diplomacy ought to be tried first.
GALEFORCE
Tried it; didn't work.
FRICATIVE
When? When was it tried?
GALEFORCE
Mr. Fricative, you and every other
intelligent viewer knows that the
US has been trying for generations
to engage Iran in a dialog. And
we've been rebuffed every time.
FRICATIVE
Well, actually, we don't know
that. Iran has been diplomatically
isolated by the United States for
thirty years, and every indication
is the US refuses to sit down and
discuss matters with Iran unless Iran
agrees in advance to accede to the
US positions on those matters.
GALEFORCE
Well, yeah, of course. We're not
going to enter into discussions
with people who aren't going to
agree.
FRICATIVE
But don't discussions imply at
least the possibility of compromise
on both sides?
GALEFORCE
(chuckling)
Man, what planet are you living on?
FRICATIVE
One I hope not to see incinerated
out from under us all in the next
few years. But be that as it
may... what actually are the issues the
US has with Iran?
GALEFORCE
Weapons of mass destruction.
FRICATIVE
Specifically?
GALEFORCE
That we're the only ones allowed to
have them.
FRICATIVE
Allowed? By...?
GALEFORCE
Us! Who else?
FRICATIVE
So your position is to insist that
Iran is building nuclear weapons,
despite the fact that it has opened
its processes up to international inspection,
despite the fact that it has the
right under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation
Treaty to non-military use of
nuclear technology...?
GALEFORCE
That's all gobbledy-gook. Do you
want to see a mushroom cloud over
New York, or London?
FRICATIVE
Or Tehran?
GALEFORCE
That's different.
FRICATIVE
Mr. Galeforce, I think most people
remain unconvinced that Iran is out
to build nuclear weapons. But
given that its neighbour Israel is
permitted, if I may use the word,
to maintain something like 200 of
them itself, and given that the
United States has now repeatedly
suggested it may exercise
preemptive use of nuclear weapons
against Iran, could anyone blame them
if they did have such plans?
GALEFORCE
You're obsessing. I've responded
to this.
FRICATIVE
Fine. What other issues do you
have with Iran?
GALEFORCE
Democracy. There's a democratic
deficit in Iran. The place is run
by evil men who don't even let
women vote.
FRICATIVE
They do, in fact. Women do vote in
Iran.
GALEFORCE
No, they don't.
FRICATIVE
Yes, I'm afraid they do. On the
other hand, our erstwhile ally,
Saudi Arabia--
GALEFORCE
Leave Saudi Arabia out of this.
This isn't about Saudi Arabia.
FRICATIVE
But if we're claiming a "democratic
deficit" is an impetus to attack a
sovereign nation--
GALEFORCE
It always comes down to picking on
Saudi Arabia, doesn't it? Why are
you people so anti-Semitic?
FRICATIVE
Excuse me?
GALEFORCE
Look, does it really matter? We've
determined that Iran is evil, and
that's that.
FRICATIVE
It's just that I think most people
expect some sort of cogent,
compelling reason when they're
being asked to commit their
country, their economy, and the
lives of their young people to war.
GALEFORCE
A reason? Look, we're the United
States; we don't-- okay, fine.
GALEFORCE leans forward and looks directly into the camera.
Kids, Iran killed Santa. They shot
a missile at him and blew him right
out of the sky. And Rudolph, too.
Because Iran is bad, there'll never
be any Christmas ever again,
forever.
a missile at him and blew him right
out of the sky. And Rudolph, too.
Because Iran is bad, there'll never
be any Christmas ever again,
forever.
GALEFORCE sits back.
There, you happy now?
FRICATIVE
Ecstatic. I'd like to thank Chuck
Galeforce for coming on the show
tonight. Next week's guest will be
Iggy Jinglebells, the elf in charge
of maintaining Santa's "Naughty and
Nice List". Be here next week and
see who's really got the goods.
Good night, and good luck.
FRICATIVE
Ecstatic. I'd like to thank Chuck
Galeforce for coming on the show
tonight. Next week's guest will be
Iggy Jinglebells, the elf in charge
of maintaining Santa's "Naughty and
Nice List". Be here next week and
see who's really got the goods.
Good night, and good luck.
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