Subprime Response

Subprime Response
US Federal Reserve meets crisis by injecting eight trillion tons of bullshit into US economy

WASHED-UP-INGTON — The deepening subprime lending crisis, up till now characterized by US President George W. Bush as "a great opportunity to build hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place", has finally been recognized by saner members of his administration for the unfolding economic disaster that the rest of humanity knows it to be. As a result, the United States Federal Reserve Board has decided to take action in the form of issuing eight trillion tons of bullshit for domestic and foreign consumption.

Assistant Secretary to the Treasury Willy Schitcha held a press conference this morning, at which he spun the administration's latest presentations. "Okay, get a load of this one," he said. "Foreclosure: a wonderful chance for your children to get to know their grandparents! Hmm? Related to that, we have: Nostalgic? Move back into your parents' basement!"

Schitcha's presentation represents a sea-change in federal policy. Up until now, the policy has been to deny that the US, and potentially the rest of the world, is heading into a recession, or worse, as a result of American banks lending trillions of bucks to people without two cents to rub together, backed by lunatics in Europe and Asia who supposedly knew something about how money actually works, but turn out not to have. The inevitable defaults seem to have caught everyone by surprise (for "everyone" read: greedy, stupid financiers with more money than brains). Now that the trend has become undeniably clear to anyone who isn't brain-dead (and even to Republican voters as well), the administration is attempting to persuade the public that the downturn is a positive thing.

"Obviously we don't want to do anything about the economy itself," Schitcha said following his presentation. "I mean, nobody's actually done anything about the economy since, oh, the Eisenhower Administration. Attempting to remedy problems in the economy almost always ends up costing rich people some of their money; and let's be honest... in a plutocracy like ours, that just isn't going to happen. ...Except, you know, to the handful of banking VPs we'll ultimately hang this on who'll wind up spending a few months in Club Fed. We have to throw the public a bone so they don't draw real blood, after all."

When Schitcha's remarks were repeated to the president, he advised potential defendants who might be incarcerated to "not pay the $50 to get out of jail... just roll doubles, it's cheaper."