Lead a Horticulture: Attacking Iran

TELEVISION STUDIO: CHAT PROGRAM

Long shot by camera placed up in audience showing two men seated
on swivel chairs with a small table between them.

ANNOUNCER V.O.
Welcome to LEAD A HORTICULTURE.
Tonight's guest is U.S. State
Department representative Chuck
Galeforce. And now here's your host,
Fabian Fricative.

Cut to stage-level view of Fricative, who is playing with a pencil
à la David Letterman.

FRICATIVE
Good evening, and welcome to LEAD A
HORTICULTURE. Tonight's guest—

ANNOUNCER V.O.
I just said that.

FRICATIVE
Oh, sorry. So, Mr. Galeforce,
you're here tonight to tell us your
department's views on relations
with Iran.

Cut to wider view showing both men.

GALEFORCE
Yeah, we're probably going to bomb
them.

FRICATIVE
...That's it?

GALEFORCE
Pretty much, yeah.

FRICATIVE
Don't you think some attempt at
diplomacy ought to be tried first.

GALEFORCE
Tried it; didn't work.

FRICATIVE
When? When was it tried?

GALEFORCE
Mr. Fricative, you and every other
intelligent viewer knows that the
US has been trying for generations
to engage Iran in a dialog. And
we've been rebuffed every time.

FRICATIVE
Well, actually, we don't know
that. Iran has been diplomatically
isolated by the United States for
thirty years, and every indication
is the US refuses to sit down and
discuss matters with Iran unless Iran
agrees in advance to accede to the
US positions on those matters.

GALEFORCE
Well, yeah, of course. We're not
going to enter into discussions
with people who aren't going to
agree.

FRICATIVE
But don't discussions imply at
least the possibility of compromise
on both sides?

GALEFORCE
(chuckling)
Man, what planet are you living on?

FRICATIVE
One I hope not to see incinerated
out from under us all in the next
few years. But be that as it
may... what actually are the issues the
US has with Iran?

GALEFORCE
Weapons of mass destruction.

FRICATIVE
Specifically?

GALEFORCE
That we're the only ones allowed to
have them.

FRICATIVE
Allowed? By...?

GALEFORCE
Us! Who else?

FRICATIVE
So your position is to insist that
Iran is building nuclear weapons,
despite the fact that it has opened
its processes up to international inspection,
despite the fact that it has the
right under the Nuclear Non-Proliferation
Treaty to non-military use of
nuclear technology...?

GALEFORCE
That's all gobbledy-gook. Do you
want to see a mushroom cloud over
New York, or London?

FRICATIVE
Or Tehran?

GALEFORCE
That's different.

FRICATIVE
Mr. Galeforce, I think most people
remain unconvinced that Iran is out
to build nuclear weapons. But
given that its neighbour Israel is
permitted, if I may use the word,
to maintain something like 200 of
them itself, and given that the
United States has now repeatedly
suggested it may exercise
preemptive use of nuclear weapons
against Iran, could anyone blame them
if they did have such plans?

GALEFORCE
You're obsessing. I've responded
to this.

FRICATIVE
Fine. What other issues do you
have with Iran?

GALEFORCE
Democracy. There's a democratic
deficit in Iran. The place is run
by evil men who don't even let
women vote.

FRICATIVE
They do, in fact. Women do vote in
Iran.

GALEFORCE
No, they don't.

FRICATIVE
Yes, I'm afraid they do. On the
other hand, our erstwhile ally,
Saudi Arabia--

GALEFORCE
Leave Saudi Arabia out of this.
This isn't about Saudi Arabia.

FRICATIVE
But if we're claiming a "democratic
deficit" is an impetus to attack a
sovereign nation--

GALEFORCE
It always comes down to picking on
Saudi Arabia, doesn't it? Why are
you people so anti-Semitic?

FRICATIVE
Excuse me?

GALEFORCE
Look, does it really matter? We've
determined that Iran is evil, and
that's that.

FRICATIVE
It's just that I think most people
expect some sort of cogent,
compelling reason when they're
being asked to commit their
country, their economy, and the
lives of their young people to war.

GALEFORCE
A reason? Look, we're the United
States; we don't-- okay, fine.

GALEFORCE leans forward and looks directly into the camera.

Kids, Iran killed Santa. They shot
a missile at him and blew him right
out of the sky. And Rudolph, too.
Because Iran is bad, there'll never
be any Christmas ever again,
forever.

GALEFORCE sits back.

There, you happy now?

FRICATIVE
Ecstatic. I'd like to thank Chuck
Galeforce for coming on the show
tonight. Next week's guest will be
Iggy Jinglebells, the elf in charge
of maintaining Santa's "Naughty and
Nice List". Be here next week and
see who's really got the goods.
Good night, and good luck.

Feds reject handgun ban

Feds reject handgun ban
Tory insanity to continue to govern policy

Minister of Public Safety Stockwell Day has rejected a call from Toronto mayor David Miller for a total ban on handguns in Canada, as well as a similar request from Ontario Attorney General Chris Bentley.

When reached for comment in Ottawa, departmental spokesperson Beverley Pickles tied the minister’s stand to his previous calls for habeas corpus to be suspended in some circumstances, as it now frequently is in the United States. “Well, when some miscreant blows you and your whole family away with an illegal handgun, don’t you want us to be able to do something about it without all kinds of constitutional rights getting in the way? Honestly, there’s no pleasing you people.”

Astonishing!

This came to me in email today from a friend utterly amazed that Alberta has, yet again, elected a Tory majority government...

Maybe local politics in Alberta go a long way to explaining the current crop of Conservatives in Ottawa. They can't help but govern as a majority, invincible and all powerful. I'm particularly seething that Harper has the nerve after running all those personel attack ads on Stephan Dion (for no reason, no election campaign), then threatens to sue the Liberal Party for catching them out on an old scandal. This is government by intimidation. We can crush you, but you daren't resist us. Only thirty or forty years of experience provincially can explain such arrogance.

Vote Tory or we'll shoot the puppy

Allegations are swirling in Ottawa that when he was Leader of the Opposition, Prime Minister Stephen Harper may have been aware of attempts to bribe an MP to vote against the government of the day and cause it to fall, and furthermore, to have approved them. The MP in question was Chuck Cadman, an MP who had left the Tories to sit as an independent. Cadman was dying of skin cancer at the time, and allegations suggest he was offered a $1 million life insurance policy (among other things) in return for his vote to topple Paul Martin's minority government in a budget vote in 2005. Cadman apparently did not take the bait, and voted with the government. He passed away within months of that vote.

I'm not a fan of the Tories, but up until now I'd have had to rate their performance as a government as tolerable, particularly economically... though I strongly oppose their plans with regard to our military involvement in Afghanistan. But if this is true, it's one of the slimiest things I've heard come out of Ottawa in... well, ever. Bribing a dying man by appealing to his worries over his family's future, in order to get him to aid in toppling a duly-elected government against his own better judgement? If it doesn't quite qualify as treason or blackmail, it certain would qualify as attempted bribery of a Member of Parliament under the Criminal Code. If it turns out to be true, and Stephen Harper is implicated, then he must resign, immediately — as must the two shadowy, as-yet-unnamed figures who supposedly made Cadman the offer. If not, Governor-General Michaëlle Jean, acting on behalf of the Queen, must exercise one of the few remain royal prerogatives and dissolve the Harper government, call an election, and let the people decide.

The beam in thine own eye

Wasn't it refreshing yesterday to hear the President of the United States — a man who holds that office in part thanks to his brother being governor of a crucial state, his father's appointees on the Supreme Court, and his cousin calling the shots at the FOXNews election desk — lecturing Cuba on the importance of "free" and "fair" elections? Yeah, God forbid Castro should simply hand off power to a relative.

Tax records should be off limits, Mulroney lawyer says

Yeah, you heard right. That's a headline from today's first section in The Globe and Mail.

How about....

Gun with fingerprints should be off limits, murder defendant's lawyer says

Bodies in the basement should be off limits, serial killer defendant's lawyer says

Victim's semen-stained clothing should be off limits, rape defendant's lawyer says

Well, I guess that's a lawyer's job, huh?

The Fate of the Union

I caught the last half of George Bush's State of the Union address more or less by accident last night, and ironically, on the BBC. I think it's the first time in my life I've watched a State of the Union address. It was revealing.

I have to ask the question: is there an opposition in the United States? I mean, really? The way I'm used to thinking of an opposition? Because I saw a whole lot of people sitting in a big semi-circle focused on this guy. There was no telling one party from another. Not by where they sat. Not by how they behaved. Not by their reactions to what he was saying. They applauded as one. They rose as one. Honest to God, I was reminded of watching the Politburo under Brezhnev.

I tried to imagine people sitting on opposite sides of the House of Commons behaving as one, reacting as one, during the Speech from the Throne. The idea is chilling. A statement from the executive ought to be a challenge to the opposition... not to oppose just for its own sake, but to criticize, suggest, improve, defend. I saw nothing like that last night. I saw a man call on his countrymen for more money they didn't have to draw more blood that wasn't theirs, and a nation on its feet in the form of Congress in accord. It was evil. I feel that's a fitting word for it. To me, it looked wholly evil.

A man who talks of "tearists" getting "nuculer" weapons purports to lead the Free World, or at least its most powerful member. He does not allow discordant facts to dissuade him from action or threats. It's as though all the world were wed to a man who will not believe in the fidelity of his spouse. "Come on, I know you slept with my brother last summer at the cottage; admit it! Come clean, it'll be alright. What, you just compliment his shirt, and that's supposed to mean nothing? Alright, what about Bob at the convention last spring? What, I'm supposed to believe it's just a coincidence you just happen to like the same wine? Admit it! Why do you lie to me?" But there's no divorcing this guy. And he has a proven predilection for domestic violence.

The US economy is circling the bowl with dollar bill toilet paper, but aside from a few platitudes and the promise of spending more money the US doesn't have, hardly a word of concern. But he really lights up when he talks about putting a glass to the wall to hear what people in other rooms are up to, and asking for more Superman outfits to kick in their doors and set them straight. It was entirely revolting. If the Free World is a gang, does having a bloodthirsty psychopath as a member really qualify as an asset? Especially one who thinks he's running the show and calling the shots for us all?

The torch is being passed to southeast Asia... that was probably inevitable, but George Bush really greased the wheels with oil and blood that his great-grandchildren will still be paying for. I honestly feel we're watching the decline of the United States, and with it, the eclipse of the West as the principal civilization of the world. I think those days are ending. There was probably always a reckoning due. But it probably didn't need to be either this sudden, or this pronounced.

That's the State of the Union, folks.

US to resume nuke testing — guess where?

WASHINGTON — On the heels of a recent announcement from Tokyo that the Japanese whaling fleet would resume killing humpback whales "for scientific purposes" since their numbers have recovered in recent years, the Pentagon today announced that, since Japanese numbers have nicely recovered since the Second World War, the United States will resume the atomic bombing of Japanese cities.

"Obviously the Japanese have recovered to the point where blasting three or four of their cities a year will be sustainable," said USAF General Howie Friezum. "We're doing this for scientific purposes, of course. We got some great data in 1945, after all, and our studies have really suffered as a result of the moratorium."

The General went on to outline what his team hoped to accomplish. "Our researchers want to know how many Japanese cities have to be vaporized before they own up to Pearl Harbor, the Rape of Nanking, the brutal occupation of Manchuria, the abomination of Korean "comfort women", modern Japan's near refusal to accept refugees, and so on. We've been utterly fascinated by these ongoing displays of the complete and utter inability to demonstrate either empathy with or sympathy for others, all the while inserting self-pitying references to the nuclear devastation of Japanese cities into every movie, book, anime, and cat food commercial produced in Japan in the last sixty years. So, I guess time will tell."

When asked which city would be experimented upon first, the General said, "To reveal that would be to risk affecting the outcome of the experiment. Besides, why ruin the surprise?"

Moore ridiculous news...

I read yesterday that Michael Moore has been given 20 working days by the U.S. Treasury Department, of all things, to ‘explain himself’ for a recent trip to Cuba. It seems Moore was down there to investigate their health care system in conjunction with his upcoming documentary Sicko, purportedly about the inequities of the current American health care system. It seems that going to Cuba without Uncle Sam’s official or at least tacit okey-dokey is a violation of the Hyper Super-Duper God Bless America Act or something.

Ironies abound here.

Think about it… these days, if Moore cannot or will not explain himself to his government’s satisfaction, he might just wind up being sent to Guantanamo in Cuba… for going to Cuba.

Also, it seems to me that if only he hailed from, say, Sarnia, Ontario, instead of Flint, Michigan, he wouldn’t have to ‘explain himself’ to his government for having visited any foreign country he chose, Cuba or otherwise, to make a movie about his country’s health care system leaving millions of people uninsured. But then, if he were from Sarnia, he wouldn’t have to make such a movie in the first place…

Finally, there’s the odd emphasis on freedom in the US… missing the forest for the trees. I can remember being condescended to by Americans who were ‘shocked’ by anti-hate speech legislation here in Canada and elsewhere. No such thing could exist in the US, I was told, where freedom of speech is absolute. Yes, Americans are free to shout from the rooftops that the Holocaust never happened but that if it had, Hitler had a great idea — though not one in ten thousand of them would exercise such a ‘right’. But travel 90 miles to a country whose government your own doesn’t like in order to make a point that could potentially help tens of millions of your fellow citizens live longer, better lives? Oh, no. No, we can’t have people doing that, uh uh. It makes you wonder if these folks understand the difference between the product and the packaging.