Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hurray for the Allies!

US admits: Operation Blow Shit Up "not 100% effective"
Operation Blow More Shit Up being drafted planned

WASHINGTON / LONDON / OTTAWA — In a public statement today, officials of the US Defense and State Departments admitted that the program of blowing shit up, lately focused on Iraq, has not been completely effective in re-ordering the world in the image of the United States and laying the world prostrate at its feet forever and ever and ever. "Frankly, we may have made a slight miscalculation," admitted one State Department official, who confessed herself "disappointed that people in other countries seem to be possessed by a strange, unanticipated stubbornness that almost resembles pride and patriotism — except that those are, of course, uniquely American virtues."

Asked how the war in Iraq could be brought to a successful conclusion, a Defense Department spokesman said, "Obviously aerial bombardment, troops on the ground, and the deaths of hundreds of thousands of civilians is not the answer. The answer is more bombing, more troops, and more civilian deaths. Operation Blow More Shit Up is on the drawing board as we speak. As a result, I think we can safely say the war will be over by Christmas, or maybe even Thanksgiving. We've never been wrong before. I mean, after all, once we finally unleashed the Tet Offensive, we won Korea just like that."

This attitude is finding a warm reception across the pond. In a massive effort to increase sucking up, the United Kingdom is matching the US effort by stepping up Operation Kill Wogs with Operation Kill More Wogs. According to a functionary attached to the Ministry of Doing Whatever America Says, "The policy did wonders for building and securing the British Empire. It will be every bit as effective for the American Empire. Ah, I mean, for the process of enhancing global security."

Meanwhile, in Canada, government officials and high-ranking military officers expressed bemusement that Canada's ongoing Operation Spoonful of Maple Sugar Helps the Cyanide Go Down in Afghanistan is not reaping the desired results, other than getting Canadian soldiers killed in order to free up American soldiers to get killed in Iraq. "Why can't these people understand that we're there to keep the peace? They have no right to hate us; we're peacekeepers. Canadians do not fight wars, they keep peace. I thought everybody knew that. It's been that way, since, like, forever. It's in our Constitution, I think. Or maybe it's the Bible. But the point is, everywhere a Canadian steps, peace springs up around his feet. If we flatten their villages, it's peacekeeping! If we smear their families like peanut butter across the plains, it's peacekeeping! If we burn their crops, atomize their infrastructure, and eviscerate their government, it's to keep the goddamn peace! How many of these idiots do we have to kill before it sinks in? They never had peace till we arrived! We invented peace! We own peace! Peace peace peace peace, peace peace peace!"

Canadian officials, while discouraged by the failure of Afghanis to grasp that the destruction of their country and traditions at the hands of the West is entirely for their own good and that they ought to be happy about it, nevertheless expressed determination to "stay the course" with the operation, as well as with Operation Bomb Them to Democracy. When asked how people would vote with their limbs blown off, officials explained that Afghanis would be fitted with special voting prostheses that would enable them to mark an "X" with virtually no excruciating pain, "once the terrorists have been routed and the peacekeeping is over". Pressed to speculate as to when that might be, officials responded, "Oh, Christmas, probably... Maybe even Thanksgiving." When asked "of what year?" they replied, "No comment."


m_o_o_nspells said...

Very nice...gave me a giggle this morning (overlooking the truth in it for the moment, of course!).
Happy New Year, by the way! ;o)

loneprimate said...

Ha ha, thanks. :) It's always a vent to blast one's spleen. Or something.

Happy Nude Year to you too. :) Or at least, Thursdays.