Monday, March 07, 2005

The muse

It's nine months today since Jody died. It occurred to me this morning. I keep wondering when the first 7th of a month will pass without that happening. I really hope that never happens. But I guess deep down I suspect that sooner or later, it will. Aside from memory, Jody hasn't been a daily part of my life for a while now. There are things I see I want to show him, ideas and dreams I have I want to tell him about, time of day I just want to pass with him... You know, I was thinking about it on Friday, nine months to the day since he and I last shared a conversation... that there's still this childish part of me that looks back and wonders what else I could have done, what bargain for good behaviour I might have struck with God to preserve Jody's life. I mean, I know that there was nothing anyone alive today could really do. His doctors, the closest thing we have to the power of God on Earth in practical terms, could not with all the king's horses and all the king's men hold back the tide of Jody's cancer. Obviously, there was not a thing I could have done that would have given him five more minutes. The only thing I could do was what I did... be there for him, pray for him, sincerely ache for him as was his due. Give his life meaning by resonating to its vibrations. But there's still the seven-year-old inside me who used to make daily bargains with God so that Dad would come home on time and not go drinking with his buddies. It seemed to work then, so why not for Jody? So what might I have done? Nothing. This argument between a simple, honest, childish yearning and cold, clear, adult reasoning goes on and on inside my mind all the time.

Relatedly, on Saturday morning I went looking for pictures of South Park's Kenny without his hood. It always bothered me that he was kind of mute and faceless, except for that one time in the movie. I happened across a Japanese site that worked the South Park boys up as serious anime characters, and it was pretty striking. I got back that old jealousy and it's kind of inspired me to go back to my art and see what I can develop. Yesterday when I was out with Roc, we went into Curry's, and while we were there looking at all the media, I decided the time had come to try to put together a good, decent drawing of Jody to send to his mom in New Mexico. Jody's 27th birthday (or what would have been) will be April 15th. I want to see if I can do something for her by then, or not long afterward. She's said a few times, I've heard through the grapevine, that she'd welcome a drawing by me. I really should have done something long ago. This is something that needs to be done... for her sake, Jody's, and mine.

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