Friday, July 30, 2004


Since Jody died on June 7th, I've kind of been avoiding "my music". There are a lot of songs I just don't want to associate with this point in my life. There are already a handful that I associate with Jody and his struggle that will have the power to bring me down, maybe to tears, for the rest of my life...

Bach - Sheep May Safely Graze
Manfred Mann - The Mighty Quinn
Don Henley - Boys of Summer
Aqua - Cartoon Heroes (a favourite of Jody's, actually, rather than mine)
Warren Zevon - Keep Me In Your Heart (a song about dying of lung cancer... I got it about a month before Jody died)

...there are probably others, too, but those are the ones I know are triggers.

Anyway, since then, I haven't had any music I really like on, not in the car or at home, or very rarely. In the days just before Jody suddenly died, I was listening to a 'best of' album of Steve Miller's stuff from the 80s. Just coming into summer, and kind of getting into the music. Even though it hadn't happened yet, now in my mind I associate all that music with the days and hours just before Jody died. It's going to be a while before I'm going to want to hear that music again, and when I do, it probably won't ever be a wholly pleasant experience.

Just today, just now, really, I had a real hankering to listen to Sister Christian by Night Ranger. I have the song handy, so... I put it on. I think enough time's passed that I won't form any bad (or at least, any worse) associations with it than I already have about what is now Jody's decline this spring. I guess I'm looking at it as Jody giving me 'permission' to open up a little again. Not that I think he ever would have wanted me to mope, but what can you do? We're human beings. When we lose someone for good—or at least, till Whatever Comes Next—this is how we react. But maybe now I can begin to occasionally treat myself to "my music" again, when the mood truly strikes me.

...And you're motorin'... youuuu'rrrre moooootorinnnn'... |~(

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey buddy,
Take it from someone who lost someone close. You'll always miss them but it's better if you think of them as being somewhere looking over you. You can talk to them whenever you feel like it and they understand you better than ever. Best of all their always on your side...
however, to this day I still get sad when I hear the theme song to MASH and I have never been able to rewatch the last episode of MASH.