Monday, June 19, 2006

Give and take in Purgatory

Many, many people reach a stage in life where they're so useless that the need to make exact change seems to overwhelm them, as though the one thing that will redeem their usefulness to society. Folks, it's not true. You have so much more to offer; don't sell yourself short. More importantly, quit wasting everyone's time. Because it makes Baby Jesus cry.

Here's how it works. It helps if you're Catholic, so you can follow the logic (but hey, if you're not, you're going to Hell anyway... at least, that's what I'm led to understand), but even heretics should be able to hum along even if they don't know the words.

Purgatory, of course, is where those who aren't damned must first go before entering Heaven in order to be expurged of their sins. I gather you basically relive them, probably from the other person's point of view, over and over and till you get why it was wrong. You know, kind of a big Twilight Zone episode. The worse you were, the longer you're there. So the less trouble you cause for others, the less you get for yourself! It's Catholic Karma. :)

So here's how it works with regard to making exact change...

1) The number of seconds you save yourself in Purgatory is directly proportionate, 1:1, to the number of seconds you saved the cashier not having to make change for you. In other words, if you save the cashier 11 seconds by giving him or her exact change, that's 11 seconds you shave off your sentence in Purgatory.


2) The number of seconds you increase your sentence is Purgatory is equal to the number of seconds you saved the cashier not having to make change for you, exponential to the number of the people behind you in line whom you inconvenience by doing so. So, if there are, say, six people behind you who only want to pay for their milk, bread, gas, and girly magazine and get the f*** out of Dodge, that's 11 seconds to the power of 6, or 20 days, 12 hours, 6 minutes, and 1 second you add onto your time in Purgatory. Minus that 11 seconds off for good behaviour, on balance it comes out to an additional 20 days, 12 hours, 5 minutes, and 50 seconds.

Let the cashiers make change; that's what they paid to do. Go home, roll pennies with no one lined up behind you, and take 'em to the bank. Now that's a public service.

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