Thursday, August 10, 2006

What I'm listening to...

What I’m listening to this afternoon is my lost youth. It’s in the form of the song City of the Angels by Larry Gowan. I had to stop and look at the window at the landscape as I sit here at work… just reflecting. The last time I really listened to this song, I was a high school boy, out mowing the lawn with my walkman on; I’d bought it on an LP and transferred it to a cassette tape. Now I’m listening to it on CD… I don’t even know if CDs were available yet when Strange Animal was released. I remember it as being pretty much the last good summer for music for many years. Nothing “new” after that really sparked my interests musically till the mid-90s…

When I think how different my life is from what I wanted it to be, or was afraid it might be, I’m not sure how to feel. I guess I just feel sad that I’m not young anymore; I am what I am, and while things could have turned out worse, it’s hard to realize that all the potential is spent. The road has largely been mapped out and large stretches of it have been paved at this point… maybe more than I realize. I guess I understand now what John Cougar meant when he sang “hang onto sixteen as long as you can”.


Marcy said...

I know how you feel. I got from the library the DVD set of the best of the Electric Company. I don't know if you know it, but it was a children's show on public tv that ran from '71 to '77 (I think). Morgan Freeman was a cast member, as was Rita Moreno, and Bill Cosby (during the first season). It was a great show. It was supposed to help teach reading to young kids (but a little older than the target audience of Sesame Street).

Anyway, I relived my youth for a weekend. Kinda nifty. But I am feeling old. I'm only 36, but I am four years from 40 (actually 3 years and two months), and I think I'll have to face up to the fact that I'll never accomplish anything monumental in my life (except maybe immigrating to your lovely country, if I can save up the funds).

I think I've finally come to terms with the fact that there are things I will never be able to do, b/c it's not in my nature, my genetic makeup, or my inherited personality. When I think about living to 80, I just cringe. I don't wanna. What's gonna happen to me? Will I end up in a home? As a single female with no children, what will become of me? I'm already becoming invisible. Young males look right past me. I'm not desirable anymore. I'm at the age where I should be a mother, and since I'm not fulfilling that role (by choice) I don't seem to fit in.


Lone Primate said...

I got from the library the DVD set of the best of the Electric Company. I don't know if you know it, but it was a children's show on public tv that ran from '71 to '77

Oh, yes, I am so there. :) I bought the set at Best Buy a couple of months ago. What a trip it was. I'd forgotten more than I remembered... of course, the moment I saw any segment (esp. the animated stuff), it came flooding right back.

I'm only 36, but I am four years from 40 (actually 3 years and two months)

Hmm, you've got about twice as much ground left to cover to get there as I do... enjoy the difference. :)

I wonder about the future myself. Several of my closer friends are considerably older than me; verging on a generation. The odds are, all things being equal, I'll survive them... but to do what? I reached the point several years ago where I admitted to myself I was just kidding myself and I wasn't going to meet "the person" I was meant to settle down with, and my folks were never going to have grandkids. I guess there are a lot of people like us out there, but people just don't pay us a lot of attention.

Lorna said...

Wow, 'Strange Animal', I haven't heard that referred to in a long time. Especially since I'm a Canadian in the US. I'm going to have to listen to my 'Oh What a Feeling' box set. Although as I recall, Gowan was negligently absent from the collection. I agree about the music at that time being fulfilling. I wonder though if it was the state of mind associated with our ages which I think are very similar.

As for approaching 40, single, no kids, to a certain degree we choose how much of that baggage we choose to carry. Resigned to that status as I am I prefer to look on it as more disposable income to travel and pursue hobbies with while fulfilling the all important 'Mum and Dad's cool friend' role for the younger generation.