Thursday, May 09, 2013

The dream

I just had my first dream, that I can remember, about Bonnie. (Edit: since she died, I mean.)

It was a drowsing dream. I've been sleeping in about two-hour chunks the last few days.

In the dream, I was sitting in my chair in the living room. Seth was sitting in the chair beside me (something he hasn't done yet), looking at me. Suddenly, Bonnie trotted up, jumped into the red cat bed beside him, laid down and gazed at me. She looked like she used to a couple of months ago. I said, "Oh, Bonnie, but you're dead!" But it didn't matter. I leaned over and stroked her and stroked her as she began to purr, and I said, "Oh, Pumpkin... Oh, Pumpkin..."

I woke up. Clock said 2:51. 3rd Rock from the Sun was on TV; episode where Dick gets an ATM card and gets robbed.

The Golden Girls is on now. I'll try to drift off again.


P.S. 7:15 a.m. I'm reminded of a dream I had around Halloween when I found out Bonnie had cancer and I was afraid I was within a week or two of losing her... bad news for Twinkle and bad news for Max both resulting in remaining life spans of two weeks, you see. In the dream, she was lying on her side by the apartment door, panting and dying. I was kneeling beside her, touching her, crying, begging her not to leave me.

As it turned out, she didn't. Not that time.

So back when there wasn't actually an immediate end to our life together looming (though I feared there was), that dream. And now that it has ended, and I'm the one who actually chose to end her life, I'm visited by this vision of her reasonably well, happy to see me, with even this faint air of gratitude and forgiveness and understanding... unaltered love. A dream I woke up from vaguely pleased with. I mean, I know none of that is real. She's gone, and even when she was alive, she understood nothing of the things we put her through. They were just the mysteries of life among us more powerful and seemingly capricious creatures. But still, I'm surprised when I consider the two dreams in comparison.

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